A MERCILESS WINTER - Anișoara Laura Mustețiu

A deafening scream pierced the air, shaking the gloomy winter day. Torrents of dense, leaden clouds churned under the sorrowful gaze of dawn. The scream rose desperately toward the heavens.

But God was silent. And fate was silent.

Only a horrifying sound was heard… the strong, robust body of her father collapsed onto the Persian rug in the living room.

Ana screamed once more. Then she froze. She looked deep into his eyes, waiting for a word. Even just a sound.

But he could no longer speak… he only looked at her. Despair poured from his eyes. His fists were clenched as he tried, one last time, to stifle his pain. A single tear slid gently from the corner of his eye. The last tear he would shed on this earth.

Was it from pain? Or was it regret for leaving her behind, alone?

He clung desperately to her gaze, embracing his frail and terrified child for the last time.

And then came that moment—decisive and merciless—that tore them apart forever with cruel finality. He took a long breath, his last. His soul freed itself from the weight of his body and soared to the heavens. And all of that sky suddenly collapsed onto Ana’s heart. It crushed her.

Then the people came… and carried her father’s body out of the house. They complained that it was too heavy to move.

Ana ran after him. She couldn’t understand what was happening… She called out to him one more time. But he didn’t answer.

Then she fell onto the rug, in the very spot where he had fallen. Her thoughts were tangled in a thick fog. She had nearly lost her mind. She reached out her hand… “Take me with you, Father! To the heavens or anywhere! Take me with you…”

After a while, an icy cold settled within her. It froze her emotions. It buried her under white drifts of fear and loneliness. It pierced her with an infinite pain she couldn’t comprehend at the tender age of thirteen.

On the windowsill, a dove appeared.

“Tic, tic… tic…” The sound of tiny claws scratched against the board. She thought it must be the soul of her father, returned to her. It had to be his soul. There was no other possibility. She knew that he couldn’t just leave her and let her be alone.

She sat huddled on the rug, clutching her knees with her frail, unembraced arms. She held them with all her strength… It was all she could embrace at that moment. Then, the frost that had paralysed her being transformed into a searing flame. And she didn’t know how to extinguish it, how to calm herself, or how to take care of herself. She only burned, consumed by her own pain.

The clouds had retreated, carrying away into the void souls separated from life. A few transparent moonbeams escaped through the grey heaps of cold vapor and crawled sluggishly along the silent street.

It was past midnight. Christmas was approaching. In the City of Flowers, children slept peacefully in their beds, alongside their parents. The lamp in the room cast a faint light. Ana closed her eyes, but she couldn’t sleep.

Only a few hours remained until the most painful moment of her childhood awaited her… After a while, the image of her father appeared in her thoughts—warm and radiant. For a few fleeting moments, he soothed her pain… like a balm. Exhausted, she fell into a deep sleep.

Morning came too quickly. A grey morning, with snow dirtied by mud and cutting gusts of wind that tore through each breath.

Ana entered the silent, snow-covered cemetery. She stepped carefully and deliberately into the cold chapel. She trembled from her soles to the top of her head.

She looked long and hard at her father’s body, which rested on a pedestal in the middle of the room. She didn’t feel fear. Her suffering had obliterated all other emotions. She stood on tiptoe, her breath caught. Her eyes searched for his gaze. But his eyes were closed, forever.

“How will it be, not to look into your eyes anymore, father?… How will it be, not to hear your soft and gentle words again?”

She broke into tears. “Father… I told you far too little how much I love you! Forgive me! I thought you would live forever…”

She stepped closer to him. She kissed his hand. His hand that fed her when she was sick… His hand, in which she hid her own tiny, fragile fingers… His hand that had protected her from all the evils of the earth!

Then her thoughts and words fell silent once again. She stayed by his lifeless, cold body for a while. Then the unbearable cold overwhelmed her.

From that morning onward, she could no longer be a child. Life had thrown her into wild waves, and she had to fight—to swim toward unseen shores—and to stay alive, as intact as possible.

Adolescence fluttered in the distance, bringing her loneliness and poverty. And so, she embarked on that path with a heart shaken by experiences that left deep marks on her soul, influencing her later decisions and shaping her perception of certain things and of life itself.

She let herself be guided by intuition, by instincts, unprepared for the hardships that would cross her path. Yet, the divine nature within her bestowed upon her a stream of strength and hope that emerged in the most agonizing moments, lifting her back into the light.

When a being loses love—especially parental love—it loses a fragment of its own heart. And in that place remains a wound that will never heal.

Unconsciously, some people search for that love their entire lives. They try to rediscover it through someone else or something else. But they never find it. For parental love cannot be replaced by anyone or anything.

A Christmas, an Easter, a birthday, a photograph, or a certain situation often reminds us of parental love. And with it comes a pang of pain in the heart—a pain not only born from the ineffable loss but also from the longing to be loved once again, unconditionally and deeply.

Ana carried a lifelong desire for one thing only: to love and to be loved.

When you love someone who needs love, it is as if you are saving a bird from its demise… giving it hope, healing its broken wings, and granting it the strength to fly.

Excerpt from the book BETWEEN KISS AND PAIN by Anisoara Laura Mustetiu